I miss you.
Just… I’m sorry. For the way things are right now. Just know that I’m working on myself. And that I do miss you. And I hope its the same for you….. >.< nothings perfect but you’re always there for me, and open and honest and I am sorry, for everything.
Don’t fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
And I wanted
You turned away
You don’t remember, but I do
You never even tried
I guess it makes me the most sad because I really did want it to work. It’s almost like I’m doomed to be single.
They say one day you’ll meet someone and realize why it never worked with anyone else. But seriously I think I’m ment to be alone. And honestly maybe its best this way.
I feel kinda blah.
I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but I just feel a little lost.
I really wanted to take this semester off to just figure out shit, but I couldn’t. So I’m back half time… I guess I’m happy about that.
Last night the guy I’ve been dating asked me to be his girlfriend, and I feel really happy about that, but just can’t get past the fact that I don’t really have anyone to share that joy with. I mean I told my best friend, but it’s different over a text. Some days I hate texting. It’s so impersonal. I miss being face to face with her I guess. Plus I don’t know how to tell if she’s really happy where she is.
It really sucks that I have lost so many people in the past year. I mean… first was my ex, then my best friend (and we are talking now and it’s all good, but I miss how it was before my life took a jump into the sewer.) There was another girl I got really close to, but we don’t ever talk now, unless there are social occasions we both end up. And then I got really close to two old friends from my san jose life, only to end up back to where I was before, not talking to them. A good friend of mine, who was also a coworker moved out of state this year too. We had a falling out for a long time, and finally started picking things up and now she’s gone. :/ To top it all off then there was someone who’s been there since I was a jr in high school. We didn’t talk much when I was dating my ex, because I mean we both have our own lives, but he’s always been there for me through every single hard moment of my life. He’s made me smile when no one else could, and now he’s gone. And sometimes I forget, and push the memory of him away, but then I’ll be walking and a memory will hit me in the face like a bucket of cold water. I never really thought there would be a day when I couldn’t talk to him, or vice versa. Maybe that was childish or naive of me, but I miss my friend. I miss my friends. :/ GAH!
Within this month I lose two more friends to distance, and I don’t know who I’m going to hang out with anymore.
Yes I have my boyfriend, but I don’t ever want to be in that position where all I have is my boyfriend and then if it crumbles… I have nothing. I never ever want to be there again. I just don’t know where to begin to look for new friends. I don’t trust people like I used to. So many people have fucked me over to this point where, I don’t believe anyone has good intentions anymore. Plus, like.. I work at a movie theatre, and we have movie previews. But everyone I would take is gone, and I hate sitting there by myself. I guess sometimes it’s not so bad, but I don’t always want to sit by myself.
I just feel stuck. Stuck in this place where I don’t trust many people, but not wanting to be alone. I don’t know how to fix this guys. :P
Sorry for the novel.. just needed to get it all off my chest.