So the other day…
My dad was talking about this woman that he, my mom, and my grandma saw preforming at a restaurant in town.
He must have said she was giant at least 20 times, over and over while physically indicating her width and height. He kept mentioning how big her thighs were, and concluded the conversation with the statement that she was huge.
My mom and my grandma both disagreed and said she was yes bigger, but they would not describe her as giant or huge.
I wonder what he thinks of me.
I seriously wanted to cry each time he said the word giant and flashed his hands about in order to show off how big he meant while his face showed showed off his disgust. At one point I turned away because I didn’t even want to look at him anymore.
My Grandma, who I love and I’ve been really close to for forever, once told me if I got my weight down to 180 she would take me traveling to my place of choice.
The same with my mom, she used to always be on me about my weight.
My ex boyfriend said that couldn’t date his other ex ever again, who’s thinner then me, because she was bigger then him and he couldn’t show her off. Not that I want anything to do with him, it’s just… these words and memories stick.
I look in the mirror and I positively despise the person I see.
I know I need to do something about it, because apparently it’s not acceptable to be me and my size, nor do I want to stay this way. And I don’t want to talk about it with them, ever. I just want to feel like being me is okay, and not too much. I want to feel like I shouldn’t have to weigh 180 pounds to travel, and I shouldn’t have to hear my dad calling some most likely beautiful curvacious woman huge. I shouldn’t have to be aware of my awkward HUGE body every second of everyday.
Sigh. Sorry for the novel. I just caught myself picking my flaws in the mirror, and needed to vent.